It has been quite a while since my last post. I came back to New Jersey late on Wednesday night, and I feel like a missionary returning home for a short visit before going back to the mission field, and what a necessary return it is. Because I've been so overwhelmed at work, I just haven't had the chance to really evaluate and reflect on the experience so far. Regretfully, I've only been focused on getting things done, and losing sight of why in fact I am doing what I am doing. I still remember even before I took the AmeriCorps position, I saw this as a one-year missions trip, but somewhere along the line, I forgot what I was running toward and was just running. So this is a good chance to re-orient. Welcome to the processing process--get ready for the longest post ever.
So what was the mission in the first place? I think it was simply to love... to love others of the heart of God and to be broken for them, to bring the love of Christ to people who have just come to the country and who may not yet know Jesus. I think a part of it was also to allow God to continue to mold me into His image in the process, which has been a difficult and painful process at times, and will always be a process for all of eternity. I feel like a completely different person from the person I was when I moved back to Boston. I think I have come to realize that the changes in me, the things that burn on my heart at present, could only have been shaped while in the city, and by leaving Highrock Brookline. We are blessed in order to be a blessing unto others, and I have come to see that I need the city as much as it needs me.
I have been learning so, so, so much... so much more than I could ever really put into words and realize right now. There were things that I wanted to learn setting out. I wanted to learn about community development, community outreach, evangelism, prayer, my ethnic identity, and also about God's name as Jehovah-Tsidkenu, the Lord is my Righteousness. God has been faithful in honoring those desires. Everything my non-profit does is community development, and to see and learn about building partnerships and relationships among different organizations in the community and among community volunteers is quite interesting. And I'm on an outreach team to youth and families through reaching out to the high school, which is equally interesting because it's like being on outreach team sort of, only in a "secular" setting, and it's incredible to see the strategy and planning that goes into it. One thing the college pastor from the church I go to in NJ said that stuck with me (and I had been considering whether I agreed with it) was that, in interpreting Luke 16, we should learn the ways of the world and how the world works in order to gain friends here and now to bring more people with us when we get to Heaven (v. 9)... and I realize that in this and in everything else, God may be showing me that.
I've been learning a lot about God as Jehovah-Tsidkenu in a completely different way than when I was in undergrad. Seeing God's heart break for the homeless in the neighborhood in which I live, seeing His heart break for the Chinese elders looking for affirmation and meaning, seeing His heart break for the high school students who are under such pressure... gosh I don't even know what words to say about that. I've also been learning a lot about my ethnic identity. I definitely identify more with the 1st generation Asians who have just come to America and the struggles they face, and as I see the reflection of those things in me, I realize that I have not fully processed through those things and handed them over to God. My greatest prayer for them is that God would fill their hearts with dreams of their own, and that Jesus would set their hearts free. I have come to see how God is using my identity as a Chinese and as an American and my ability to speak Chinese to make others feel comfortable and meet them where they are.
It's been interesting too, and something I did not realize until today, but God has been using what I think are my spiritual gifts! I felt like it was really apparent when I was a part of AACF, but much harder to see in a non-Christian context, but... there have been so many opportunities to encourage (the volunteers, the people I serve, my coworkers...), so many opportunities to teach (in the mentoring program, in tutoring, in teaching the English class), there have been opportunities to do leadership training and development (which I think is mostly scaffolding and encouraging and providing resources), and probably a lot more that I can't think of at present.
Also... in wondering and talking about whether or not I am called to overseas missions, and talking about what God has been doing in me and growing in me, a close friend asked if perhaps I thought that I was being called to be a missionary in the US in urban missions? If I am indeed being called as such, it makes so much sense and I could see how it is in line with what God seems to be doing, but of course I do not have the foresight nor the wisdom to really know until it all happens and I look back on it all. But another thing I realize is that it doesn't matter, because all I really want to do is to love God and to love people, and I can be doing anything and be anywhere to do that.
But bringing it back to the missions trip idea. I definitely feel God has entrusted specific people to my heart, but the only thing I can do right now is to pray for them, to pray that God would break my heart for them and help me to love them out of His heart, to pray for boldness and opportunities to share about how beautiful Jesus is and how much he loves each of them. There are four girls who are in high school who I have developed close relationships with and gahhh... I just cannot convey how beautiful I know that Jesus thinks they are, and how much he wants them to find their identity in him and apart from the world, to just be who they are as he has created them. And then there is the third grader I'm tutoring, who is just so precious... and then there are also my coworkers. My heart overflows with the love that I know God has for me, and the love that I know God has for them.
One thing I've been learning a little about, and need to learn more about, is developing healthy boundaries with everything. Not to close people out and not to NOT love them, but to make sure I'm taking care of myself in order to be effective for His kingdom.
Ahh, there's still so much more I need to work through in my heart before I could write it all down, but here's what's on it so far!
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