Yesterday I prayed with Chloe about understanding the grace of God, and being able to receive it. I have oftentimes felt that my heart was in the right place, and I desired what was on God's heart, but I would invariably end up doing my will instead of God's because of my desire to see those things in the immediate present instead of waiting on God's perfect timing. That would make me feel completely guilty and sorry that I messed up, tried to hard, or tried to recreate the wheel, so to speak, instead of asking God to show me how He is already moving and how I, with the ways that He created me, be able to run alongside what He is already doing. In those instances, I feel God wanting me to stop beating myself up over my inabilities and to receive His grace, but the receiving part is difficult for me.
With serving my mom, and wanting to do that Bible study with her, it was (a) done on my timing, which made me feel bad, and (2) initially serving her was done out of love, but eventually grew to become merely obligation, and doing things because I didn't want her to yell at me anymore. Serving had essentially become an idol. I was serving out of obligation. I wasn't serving out of my love for Christ, and wanting to submit to others for the sake of Christ.
But then this morning, I read Matthew 20, and verse 28 leapt out of the page at me: "... the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Jesus is God. He never needed us to serve him because he can already do all things. He came to serve us, and we serve in return because he loved us first. Two questions arose: Jesus, how are you serving me today, and how can I receive it?
I have also been reading Ephesians every day, ever since the DR. I guess I just want to see if there's something else that God is trying to say to me through that book. Most mornings nothing jumps out. But today, 5:1-2 really caught my attention: "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." And you know... it just reminded me that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Freedom not to go pursue sin, but freedom to serve one another in love. That's so crazy! Even though there are all these expectations of me, even though people and this world are trying to define my identity for me, God has freed me of all of those things, and I am simply His beloved child. I am free to live as a people of light, to simply love others as a child of God, as one loved by God, sharing that good news with others, which doesn't have to do with me being a student, or me being a daughter, or me being a family member. This morning, I feel a renewed sense of purpose and a recentering of my heart in terms of loving my mom, and loving those around me!
And then, I just finished reading Journaling as a Spiritual Practice, by Helen Cepero, which has found me in the perfect time. At any rate, it talked about the examen prayer, which is also really crazy because last night I decided to start doing it before I sleep at night. Here's what the author has to say about it:
The prayer of examen, first popularized by Ignatius of Loyola in the sixteenth century, has been adapted over the years to provide a pathway or model for inviting God into our remembering. I have sometimes called the examen "backward prayer" because its pattern helps us to see where we have been and how God met us during our day, as well as those places where we might have missed out on being with God. All the adaptations of the prayer of examen include an invitation for God's light and look to illumine our lives. As a spiritual practice the examen is meant to gently teach us how to see our daily life as a means of grace. (pp. 72-73)
Finally, we end the examen by letting go of all the day's hurts and failures and missed opportunities, dropping them into the bottomless well of God's forgiveness. Then we hold on to the moments in which we caught the music of the Spirit and followed Christ's leading in our lives. (p. 78)
I have a long way to go in understanding what God's grace is and what it looks like, but it is a start, and an answer to a prayer, which will likely be a prayer I pray for the rest of my life.
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