Today was absolutely incredible! This is the third day in a row that I have had victory through not my own strength, but through the strength, love, and grace of Jesus. I woke up with morning with Philippians 4:4 on my heart: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" And I was really rejoicing! But then at work, it isn't like anything happened, because it was the same amount of work with the same amount of deadlines. But I felt that the Enemy near to me and working so, so hard to discourage me, and I definitely didn't have the strength to fight it, and it made me so anxious and fearful. I think it was the same feeling I get sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night and feel like there is a presence there that is not Jesus. But anyway, I asked a few people to pray for me, and God definitely answered!
Three times this week, one of them being today, God affirmed through non-Christians to me that I am precious and valuable to Him. The word "precious" was mentioned on all three occasions. And then today, in working closely with my boss on a grant that at first was killing me, but now I have conquered it, he asked me again of what I wanted to do after this year, and was telling me that I should consider more grant writing and non-profit opportunities, and how I was really good at this and worked well under pressure. But the whole time I just felt like it was affirming my desire to pursue ministry. It reminded me my conversation with Esther this week, which was super blessing and still has me thinking. I was telling Esther how excited I was for her, but then she said that she's excited for the both of us, because so many people make it to greatness and it blesses so many people, but just think that if we can attain greatness, think how much more glorious it can be because it is God through us! Okay, well perhaps it wasn't that exactly, but that's what came out of it for me.
Today was the first time I literally felt like God has brought me above my circumstances. I am soaring on wings like eagles and walking and not growing faint! And I finally feel like I can really conquer it, because the one that is in me is greater than the one that is in the world.
Hmm, maybe this is more of just a really long reflection of everything from this past week. God has been so good, and I feel so much clarity this week.
On Wednesday, I went to a company board of directors dinner, which started out horribly and socially awkward, but by the grace of God it got so much better. I met a woman by the way of Esther Lee, who has been a community organizer for the past 26 years and has crazy connections in Chinatown. She affirmed the work that I and the other two VISTAs do and I just felt so understood in a way that no one else could understand if they hadn't gone through it. I asked her what the most important thing she learned in her 26 years was, and she it was empathy, and how you need to know the true needs of the community, especially those who are unreached. But the whole time while she was talking, I don't know if it was that I had Urbana in the back of my mind, but the idea of poverty was pressing on my heart. And lately, I have just felt a desire to live among the poor, but I do not know if that's just a passing whim or something to press into. Anyway, in a lot of ways I feel like God has been clarifying the motives and attitudes of my heart, refining them and making them His, and in that sense I feel more clarity.
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