My heart feels a little more settled than last night, but my spirit and body are so, so exhausted. I deleted my last post because I realized that I was pretty much just ranting babble and it wouldn't have helped anyone to read it... and plus, I think I can write something a lot more coherent now, a day later.
Yesterday I went to AACF, and it was a completely different feel from when I was actually in the fellowship. I remember my staff worker telling me that God might speak to me differently regarding the fellowship once I became an alumni, and I guess I just never felt like I got a sense of it. But yesterday I just felt like God was giving me this image of God's hands surrounding an egg, and the egg hatches, with God's hands still cupping the hatchling. There's enough space for the hatchling to move about... and in the time of being cupped in God's hands, it is well-protected and sheltered from outside forces as it learns to walk, learns how to move its wings, how to jump. I felt like God was saying that these were the walls of large group, the 4 years of college--a space to protectively learn how to move, and then after four years, God opens His hands and tells you to fly. I find that I'm at that stage now, and God is saying that I'm ready to fly. I'm asking Him "How?" and He is responding by appearing to me as an eagle and saying, "Follow me." So I think this image is as much for the fellowship as it is for me...
Several students gave their testimonies about missions, or just testimonies in general, regarding the topic of healing. I just felt like my soul was so refreshed, and I just feel like there is so much hope in the college students of AACF and of IVME, that God is going to grow, and is growing, things in them in their time in college that will continue to grow and be used by God in the years beyond college. I felt like the Holy Spirit was alive and moving in the room, and just waiting for students to invite him into their hearts, to direct their lives and to touch hearts for Christ.
I got to meet a few freshmen girls, which was a great delight! I realize that in being at work, I haven't been able to experience life-giving initial social interactions with people as I did with them. Just getting to know them brought me so much joy, to see them struggle with trying to think of what they want to do with the rest of their lives makes me hopeful to see how they will allow God to move in them in through them in the years to come. That, as well as other conversations with other college students from other times of meeting, reignited life in me. It was like every other moment that I spend not interacting with people, not getting to know them and caring for them and trying to see how God is working in them, encourage them, and share life with them, I am merely existing. And I know that isn't what God wants for me. I do not know what that means for me in the present moment though, with my job.
And another thing is... I can't ever seem to satisfy that desire in me to do full-time ministry (whatever that may mean/look like for me specifically), except when I am ministering to people and in relationship with other people. Intially, I felt like God was telling me that my job right now, for the time being, is my "full time ministry," but I struggle to see that. I think about when my moments of greatest joy are, and it's always in conversations with people, seeing people come closer to Christ, seeing people grow and struggle and yet God is still leading them through. I also felt like a lot of people last night mentioned that in passing to me, affirming that I'm a people person, that I connect with so many different types of people, etc., which was also a huge encouragement because I realize that I haven't been feeling love at work, since my primary love langauge I know to be words of affirmation, and well, I don't get any of that here, or maybe I'm just not looking hard enough to see where God might be speaking, but honestly I feel too exhausted most of the time to be on the lookout.
A part of me asks God, "Why ,why, WHY?" with everything I struggle with now, while the other part of me just prays that I can be faithful with what God has blessed me with in the present. I also know that God is using these experiences to refine me, mold me, break me, and make me more like Him in a lot of ways that I just can't describe right now, because there isn't enough distance and space, nor the time to really process. I just want it to hurry up and be over, but I also feel God telling me to be patient and wait upon Him. Gahhhh.
I do not know how to take care of myself, how to not get stressed when I need to give more time than I am willing, how to find vision and mission. I really just need Jesus.
Well, I guess this ended up being just a venting of eveything that's been on my heart, again. Oh well.
My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your word. --Psalm 119:81
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