where I was at yesterday.

Here is what I wrote in my journal yesterday at 2:00pm after church. I guess some of it refers back to things I wrote in past days, but I guess you'll get the point from this day's entry:

God is speaking like crazy, or maybe I just finally made the space to hear. This morning, God healed me of all my abdominal pain and back pain. PTL! And I read the Our Daily Bread devotional for today, and itwas on 1 Peter 4:12-19, which is about how you should not be surprised by your suffering, but rather be filled with joy if it is for the sake of following Christ, and it gave me hope about it all. Then I went to Sunday school, and it was really good... it was week 3 of Tim Keller's Gospel in Life study, and it is idolatry this week. I felt like a lot of good things were said, like how "under every behavioral sin is the sin of idolatry, and under every act of idolatry is a disbelief in the gospel," and how Jesus is like our Rachel--for Jacob, working 7 extra years for Rachel under who could have been the worst boss ever was worth it, and it should be the same for us with Jesus. I also feel that God brought up the idol of the freedom that Christ has given me, which is why true submission to others (ie. my mom) has been impossible lately. Also, through this, and through the church service, I felt like God has been exposing all of the lies I have come to believe recently. And reminding me that absolutely nothing can separate me from Him because of what Jesus has already done for me on the cross. That He is enough and I can trust Him completely. I realize that I can come and surrender completely to God and not need to be afraid of losing my identity and worth because it is not what I do or what ministry I have, but my worth is found in Christ alone because he took one look at me, a sinful person, and said I was his treasure, and died for me.

PTL, PTL. I realize that my sadness and struggle lately has been because of my sin alone and not my circumstances. In all circumstances, good or bad, we are called to follow Him, and that means living in imitation of Him. Father, forgive me!

Ah, well maybe it's just a bunch of rambles and unexplained things, but that's where I was yesterday. If only words could write the magnitude of my joy in coming to a deeper understanding of the truths that are growing deeper roots in my heart!